The Hummingbirds Read online

  Copyright © 2018 by Ross McMeekin.

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any manner without the express written consent of the publisher, except in the case of brief excerpts in critical reviews or articles. All inquiries should be addressed to Skyhorse Publishing, 307 West 36th Street, 11th Floor, New York, NY 10018.

  This book is a work of fiction. Any references to historical events, real people, or real places are used fictitiously. Other names, characters, places, and events are products of the author’s imagination, and any resemblance to actual events or places or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

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  Skyhorse® and Skyhorse Publishing® are registered trademarks of Skyhorse Publishing, Inc.®, a Delaware corporation.

  Visit our website at www.skyhorsepublishing.com.

  10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available on file.

  Cover design by Erin Seaward-Hiatt

  Cover Photograph: iStock

  Print ISBN: 978-1-5107-2876-9

  Ebook ISBN: 978-1-5107-2877-6

  Printed in the United States of America

  For Jess

  CONTENTS

  ZERO

  ONE

  TWO

  THREE

  FOUR

  FIVE

  SIX

  SEVEN

  EIGHT

  NINE

  TEN

  ELEVEN

  TWELVE

  THIRTEEN

  FOURTEEN

  FIFTEEN

  SIXTEEN

  SEVENTEEN

  EIGHTEEN

  NINETEEN

  TWENTY

  TWENTY-ONE

  TWENTY-TWO

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  For beauty is nothing but the beginning of terror

  which we are barely able to endure, and it amazes us so,

  because it serenely disdains to destroy us.

  —Rainer Maria Rilke

  ZERO

  The pistol butt struck Ezra Fog’s skull and the night stars smeared. Ezra reached out for balance. It was no use; his whirling mind couldn’t hold still. He stumbled, blacked out, and fell overboard.

  Moments later, he woke submerged in the cold silence of the ocean, nose and mouth filled with salt water. He choked and kicked through the muted darkness toward what he hoped was air until finally, body furious, mind in hysterics, he broke the surface. He coughed and spat and his starving lungs fought for breath. Iridescent lights flared about his vision. His left temple burned. His fingers felt for the ache and winced at the tender knot.

  He gathered himself and treaded water. Slowly his mind recovered some measure of sense, and with it, his vision cleared enough for him to spot the rowboat, already a dozen yards away, sliding farther into the dark.

  He felt ill. He retched up seawater. Swells moved through him as he again struggled to catch his breath. Once the dizziness passed and the stars flickering above settled back into place, all that had happened came back. It had been a fair fight, and he’d been winning, and now he was alone, two miles out in the cold Pacific, dim lights taunting him from shore. No one to blame but himself.

  He wiped his nose and what he felt was warm and smooth. Blood. His throat tightened. In his imagination, the vast maw of the sea opened below. Anything could be down there.

  The boat was now only a jot on the horizon’s script.

  ONE

  Nine Days Earlier

  The first question that bloomed in Ezra’s mind as he watched Sybil Harper crossing the patio was whether he’d done something wrong. But as he continued shearing the shrubs, that thought was replaced by a numb arousal. Beneath the hem of her canary-yellow robe strolled the legs that cynics claimed won her film roles; the pair the public loved to gaze at, celebrate, and demonize; the pair Ezra felt he had no right to lay eyes on, not simply because Sybil was married and a tenant, but because deep down he didn’t feel he had the right to lay eyes on any woman at all.

  He would turn thirty tomorrow and so little had changed.

  She drew close, balancing a tray holding a highball on her palm. Her hair was aspen blonde, a single orchid set behind her ear. A royal knob rested in the bridge of her nose. And her eyes? Mercy. Not the massive, prepubescent globes of so many other actors, but bright blue shiners carefully guarded by her lids. Her eyes seemed weary, if weariness wasn’t just sadness and regret but also irritation at having to show the world anything at all.

  He rested the shears in the parched lawn and sat back on his haunches.

  She gestured to the tray with her chin, as if to say a drink, for you without being bothered by words. He didn’t know what to think. Or feel. This had never happened before, never a single interaction in the six months she’d lived in the rental property on the grounds he kept.

  Except for that morning a couple of months back, if you could call it an interaction. He’d glanced out the pool house window to find her facedown in the prickly, rain-starved grass descending from the mansion, as if she’d been on her way to see him only to be struck by lightning. When he’d turned her over, she was blotto, face sallow, the front of her dress wrinkled and damp from sweat—a look that reminded him of the times he’d helped his mother through her own post-bender reckonings. He’d carried Sybil to a lawn chair in the patio, covered her in a patchwork collage of towels from the pool hutch, and left.

  Sybil held out the drink.

  “For me?” he asked.

  She smiled. The recesses of her robe danced a little in the breeze, and he felt a slug of déjà vu. He’d seen this all before in at least a dozen forgettable movies. A fullness gripped his chest as he rose from his knees and took the glass. Behold, Sybil Harper. What he would do. What he wouldn’t do. The porch. The pool. The flowerbed. Christ, the sod pile.

  She fidgeted with the hem of her robe, along which trailed a vine of white flowers. He took a sip from the glass and felt the bite of alcohol on his tongue. He tried to think up something interesting to say, but failed. A breeze drifted through them, carrying a whiff of her shampoo or soap. He recognized the smell, something with coconut and cream, and it occurred to him that this vision in front of him was, in fact, real.

  “Thank you,” he said.

  She pinched a few sprigs from a rosemary bush he’d been shaping and smelled. Her fingers were tan except for a pale line where a wedding band should have rested. Had she and her husband separated? He’d heard nothing in the tabloids. But he also hadn’t seen Grant Hudson once in the time they’d lived there. Even before finding Sybil passed out on the lawn, Ezra had on occasion felt sorry for her as she wandered the grounds alone in the middle of the afternoon, absently tapping her phone. She was not the sort of person he’d ever imagined pitying.

  He took a quick study of her face. The rims of her nose were a bit pink. Had she been crying? Her eyes seemed clear, and suddenly he realized that she was also appraising him.

  Before he could respond, she gave a quick, wry smile and began walking back up to the mansion. Her arching ponytail fought the breeze while pointing down her softly tanned neck toward the bottom of her robe, which concealed her behind except for the brief, wicked moments when it grew taut and the form appeared.

  He sank back down to his knees and a hummingbird zipped past, wings beating themselves invisible. The screen door closed with a clack. He took a deep breath. She had j
ust made a pass at him. How could he call it anything else? Bryce wouldn’t believe it. Neither would Maria. No one would believe it. He could scarcely believe it himself.

  But no, that wasn’t true. Bryce would believe it, because women made passes at Ezra all the time. Bryce would say something like oh—shocking—the starlet wants someone on the side? And sweet Maria, she would believe it too. She’d roll her eyes and laugh, and Ezra would laugh, because everyone knew that he wasn’t that kind of guy, and because no one knew what kind of guy he actually was.

  He sipped the spiked tea and took a deep breath. It was odd that Sybil had said nothing. If not for the drink, he might have wondered if it had been only his imagination. But maybe she felt about life the way he did—the less you said, the less you had to regret.

  Through the corner of his eye, he thought he saw a drape shut on one of the eight-paneled windows on the second floor. He paused. No Sybil. Just the faux-sixteenth-century stone manor house winking at him. It loomed, all shoulders, like a cathedral holding forth in three stories of judgment.

  Ezra finished the rest of the drink and walked across the checkered clay patio bordering the back entrance to the mansion. He set the empty glass next to the double doors and resumed pruning. As his shears opened and closed, he began composing a scene in his mind where he might have something to offer Sybil that she couldn’t get from her big-shot husband and the rest of the mannequins around town.

  And all morning, as Ezra pruned in the dry September heat, there was no relief from his desire. Nor did he seek any. He entertained it, and in doing so made the passing time feel less heartbreaking. In fact, so full was his escape that he failed to notice that he wasn’t alone in his arousal. Everything around him was coital, from the midges jerking through the air with their abdomens conjoined, to the hummingbirds sticking their beaks in and out of the yellow-lobed lilies.

  TWO

  At dusk, Ezra began preparing a large dinner salad in the kitchen of the pool house where he lived. He washed celery stalks in the sink while a chlorinated breeze meandered through the unlatched window. Beyond, the mansion shielded the sunset and shadowed the tan grass, which yielded to groves of palms with flowers for moccasins. He allotted most of what little water the city granted for these tiny oases for hummingbirds.

  He’d spent his lunch break with screen grabs of Sybil, partook, and now felt as he imagined the angels did: sexless. But it wasn’t really the angels he wanted to feel like, it was his friend Bryce, who went to church every Sunday and made love to his girlfriend daily, without any qualms. Ezra’s mother had often said in her sermons, the most delicious fruit isn’t the one you can’t pluck, it’s the one you shouldn’t. But Bryce treated words like shouldn’t in the same way God seemed to treat his followers’ expectations: with humor.

  Ezra chopped celery into thin crescents, the dull knife struggling to punch all the way through the stalks. He glanced up. The grounds were quiet. The pool outside resembled a small group of concentric puddles. Evenings, it stayed lit and the water flickered as wind gusts caressed the surface—he’d photographed it many times but could never quite capture the effect. He finished the celery and began rinsing spinach beneath the rush of water.

  Ezra stopped. Something caught his eye, a movement out in the grounds. Someone? He waited for a moment, and another. Nothing. Maybe a bird or a cat. He continued washing the soft handful of spinach, then nearly dropped the leaves into the sink. Sybil stepped into the sparkling light near the pool, nude. Her pale white skin glowed aquamarine, illuminated from below by the submerged lamps. He could see a darkness between her legs and dancing light cupping her breasts.

  His face tingled. When she’d been clothed he’d been aroused, but with her nude it felt overwhelming. He reached for his camera so he could hide behind its lens, but stopped: she looked straight at him and held his gaze. Could she see him? Yes. Shit. Rows of track lights glowed above the sink and the muted television flickered from the next room. Spinach crumpled in his other palm.

  While staring, Sybil dipped her toes into the pool, making no move to cover herself, as though she was daring him to keep watching while at the same time daring him to look away. The reflection of the blue water shimmered on her skin. Her beauty felt like a challenge, if not a threat. His eyes retreated to the sink and studied the salad he’d been preparing, as if it were somehow interesting, as if it weren’t the same salad he’d prepared the night before, and the night before that.

  A moment passed. He felt her gaze and became aware of his own anatomy. Every patch of dry skin, every scar, every mark, every hair that grew where he wished it wouldn’t. How hideous it all might look. Any thoughts from that morning of how he might have something to offer her now felt absurd. Here he was, fully clothed, yet the one embarrassed.

  He squatted and rustled around in the drawer beneath the sink, looking for something to justify his presence, but it all felt false in comparison to who stood outside the window.

  He heard a splash and rose from his squat so that only his forehead and eyes breached the windowsill. Outside, Sybil’s face and neck and shoulders emerged from the water, dripping, her hair lying flat and slick on her scalp. She slid both hands through it, fell forward, and began swimming laps.

  This was someone else’s wife, someone’s daughter. Hadn’t his mother often bludgeoned him with this perspective, even before a true thought of sex had entered his mind? He was tired, so tired of it all. He stood up and watched.

  She swam. Her form wasn’t graceful. She had a hitch in her left arm, and her legs were too bent. Something about that imperfection only intensified his feelings.

  He stayed there watching. He felt the urge to pick up the DSLR camera resting on the counter, but resisted. As the evening grew, his face gradually appeared in the window, superimposed on the pool and the darkness beyond. A word rang in his mind: pervert.

  But who, who could keep from looking at Sybil? Hadn’t she built a career answering that question? Name the person who could avert their eyes and sign them up for sainthood. He picked up the camera and began snapping photographs of his reflection as it captured what it shouldn’t.

  Sybil stopped swimming, glided to the edge of the pool, and climbed out. He clicked pictures through every move. She rose and stood on the lip, once again facing Ezra. Dripping. Radiant. She dabbed her towel against her arms and face and pointed her toes as she slid her feet into her sandals. Pointed her toes? Unnecessary. Indulgent. Magnificent. Then, just before she left, she smiled.

  Ezra felt a billowy rush of pleasure. His eyes strained to follow her shadowy form and soak up every last glimmer. Had she really smiled? Yes. Without a doubt. This was exactly what he’d feared and exactly what he’d hoped. He caught one more glimpse when she reached the patio—the motion sensor bulb flashed, lending enough light to paint a mirage in his mind of her body, fluorescent.

  He remained by the window, water still running, crushed spinach pooling at the bottom of the sink. His phone buzzed. It was Bryce. They’d talked about getting a drink. It buzzed again. He let it go to voice mail.

  Ezra set the camera down and his stomach announced its emptiness. He felt ravenous. This salad was a joke. He needed a steak soaked in butter, a sweet roll stuffed with brie and honey, a stream of chocolate fudge dripping down his chin and onto his chest. He flipped off the spigot, looked up, and saw a huge oriel window lit on the top floor of the mansion, a beacon glowing amber through drapes. He swore. And laughed. Sybil Harper wasn’t just married; she was his de facto employer. And not only that, she inhabited a social class dozens of rungs above his own. No matter how much he desired her, no way. For a woman like Sybil to even make overtures was dangerous. If Grant Hudson discovered she was hitting on the groundskeeper? Pink slip and no recommendations.

  It wasn’t really a decision. Regardless of what all the other gardeners and nannies and maids and cabana boys did with movie stars, he would stay inside and pretend nothing happened. Not only would he keep his dignity, h
e’d preserve his employment and prevent a mess he hadn’t asked for. Keep the peace, or whatever this was.

  Still, he hated it. The bruised spinach pooling in the sink made him want to punch a hole in the wall. But he picked it up and forced it down his throat.

  THREE

  The next day, in that early part of the afternoon when the sun tried its best to wilt everything in its stare, Ezra picked weeds. Perspiration dripped from his chin, wetting the dry earth, as the Dodgers game chattered live through his headphones. He unearthed a thick dandelion cluster, glanced up at the mansion, and blinked. From the massive oriel window on the top floor, Grant Hudson waved, gestured for Ezra to wait, and disappeared.

  This was strange. Ezra had never spoken to him before. As far as he knew, Hudson was unaware that he even existed. Was this about the previous night? Had he seen Ezra there in the window taking pictures of his wife?

  Hudson strolled through the back door and patio to the lawn, wearing sockless brown loafers, beige shorts, and a dress shirt. His cranium resembled a helmet and part of his belt buckle was hidden beneath an intermediate overflow of gut.

  “Greetings, Ezra.” Hudson rubbed his hands together.

  Ezra removed his headphones and gloves. “Mr. Hudson.” He held out his hand to shake. He almost said nice to meet you, but didn’t, just in case Hudson was under the assumption that they’d already met. “How are you today?”

  “I’m well, thanks. Spent the last two weeks up in Vancouver shooting a miniseries. I don’t get how people live up there. The weather is shit.” He laughed, jowls quivering with each chuckle; its sound was gruff and trustworthy, a laugh that said I’m in control, but don’t worry, I’m benevolent. For a quick moment Ezra wondered whether his own father might have laughed like that, might still be laughing like that.

  “Welcome back,” Ezra said.

  “Believe me,”—Hudson rocked back on his heels and shielded his brow from the sun—“it’s agreeable.” He licked his lips and gazed over the grounds. The only sound besides the low hum of neighboring Weedwackers was the crackled play-by-play of the baseball game leaking from the headphones wrapped around Ezra’s neck.